ARE PARENTS DOING THEIR JOB?
Parenting is one of the most demanding stages in life –in terms of time, money and energy. Planning is, there fore, critical at this stage. This is so, because many attain the status either very early or too late in life, which could lead to unhealthy implications. Some people, because of their career orientation, could find themselves having to forego child bearing until they meet their career goals.
With unpredictable changes resulting from hormonal activity, it could be true that one of the parents was either confronted by menopause earlier than expected –may be, this time, it is at the ages between 35 and 40 or perfectionism was to blame for letting her take so long to find the right person –with whom to share child-bearing responsibilities. There are, however, some cases of people -who skip parenthood because of fertility problems.
Obviously, socio-cultural expectations would be; that one gets children to allow continuity of a clan or community, as an investment for care at old age, for companionship, to gain satisfaction upon fulfillment the goal of becoming a parent -and from successfully raising them.
Having children, whilst a teenager, is indeed, very challenging -as it might come with a number of risks. There could be, for example; possible contraction of STDs, financial difficulties, infant death and hard deliveries -because at that stage, the pelvic region may not be well developed -and lack of parental care -yet a child would need a natural environment to develop -under which care, nurturance, psychological security, supportive and loving are part.
Other dangers could be estrangement of family, school and social relations. Their expectation could have been that she or he is of the right age to have a child. Planning and decision making is, therefore, essential. It could carry about four basic questions –regarding when to marry, when to have children, how many, and with whom.
Parenthood has biological, socio-cultural, economic and political connection –all of which could be part of planning and decision-making. The aspects would guide a parenthood candidate in, fore example; safe sexual health processes and number of children, facilitating child learning and skills formation, and preparing the child for citizenship roles.
But unlike in the period before 1980s, modern times have made parenting a little harder choice to make. At most, it takes away the mutual roles that child and parent would have to create a natural bond. Today, however, ideal parents would try to balance work roles and family to help give knowledge and kills -relevant to their developmental stage.
Divorce and separation, at another moment, could be a turning point in the life of a child. In absence of one parent, communication between the missing parent and child would be remote. As a result, doors would be for substance abuse, conduct disorders, depression, low self-esteem and conduct problems -all besieging the same child.
In addition, step parents, reportedly, tend to be more hostile to the children as compared to step fathers (Fine and Kurdek, 1992). Yet children’s negative experiences have been associated with low grades at school (Dubois, Eitel and Feiner, 1994).
Moreover, the continuous conflicts and child’s negative experience too detaches him or her from social and family values. Outside the family, it would be the schools and society to suffer from juvenile delinquencies.
Normally, it would be at puberty that a child gets the full independence after gradual phases of being oriented out of the family shell. Unfortunately, by this time they would be still economically dependent on their parents. This interferes with the naturally communicated independence –from the biological point of view.
In spite of this, parents do carry out strict supervision of the child –which turns out to be a source of conflict. Meanwhile, the conflict causes terror times for both parent and child characterized by greater stress –amidst uncertainty, and discord.
A parent with low education would not easily understand child’s biological, psychological and social changes. Instead, she or he could choose to batter the child -until either of the two kills another. Moreover, they tend to be more hostile to children as compared to educated one. Yet positive exchanges between parent and child and health behaviors are crucial for successful parenthood.
However, there could be some people, who are not worthy being parents or should not have become one in the first place -regardless of parental age. They act irresponsibly, as if they only had children by accident! Actually, they deserve strongest punishment possible for destroying child’s future, earliest. Perhaps, in future, we could have mandatory interviews for prospective parents.
To note is that parent’s toxic actions towards the child could adversely affect child's physical, mental, academic and social development. In fact, it is another form of murder, this time round, called identity assassination.
All these could be occurring at the same time -when the child is facing both adolescent and multi-faceted torture from the parent. They could carry the forms of negative child labeling, verbal insults, bullying, threats to withdraw support, passive contributions to child’s development, putting forward negative wishes, suffocating child development etcetera.
A child without necessary support systems, lost self-esteem, depression, anxiety, suicide impulses, drowned in acts of substance abuse, disrupts societal peace, who under extreme circumstances, could commit suicide or cause lunacy -brings forward a serious case that should must never be taken lightly.
Such parents usually have grave lack of parental skills, while others have prejudicial backgrounds. With them, their child rearing styles tend to be worst. Giving a person, as that, a child to parent would be as good as throwing the kid to a tiger -to devour.
It is usually authoritarian –characterized by constant verbal and physical assault. Communities are usually reluctance to intervene, unless serious action murder of either child or parent -radiating from long-term silent conflicts, occurs.
Given the serious consequences resultant from bad parenting, some parents could be as good as not parents. They would not deserve the honor of parenthood. It is, rather, sheer mistake. Whether biological parent or not, there would be no relationship at all. Thus, the abused child would be as good as an orphan.
Characteristics of abusive parents could be; acting as though competitors (with child), bullying, being insensitive to children’s needs, sadism, verbal and physical aggression, maiming and suffocating child's developmental channels, arguing rather than discussing issues with child, and discouraging rather than encouraging or supporting positive attributes of a child, carrying out divide and rule policy at home –and amazingly creating rivalry and unhealthy competition among children.
Wandega (Wednesday September 10, 2008, pg 12), compared the times of African traditions and today –regarding protection of children against parental abuse. According to him, modern day parents have lost it all. There are many cases of child abuse, and pornographic material that at display every other day in Uganda.
Since they cannot easily apologize to abused children, parents become insecure (as if expecting revenge) -and see no more use in giving further support to the child. The conflict, then, could have reached so far that mending it seems impossible.
The result to it is open refusal to support the child in his developmental endeavors, become unemotional, and often use negative labels against the child with intentions to destroy (if not killing person himself) child’s personality.
Moreover, because the child has no person to talk to, or simply banned from discussions with people outside the toxic family, the child could develop suicide impulses or even carry it out.
The abused child’s day never includes resting. He or she partly acts as house-boy or house girl -yet he has to be at school, to play, do assignments and engage in entertaining activities.
Going to a boarding school could be the only escape route, though some people would wish that home problems, are solved therein. Firstly, child human development issues must have stakeholders in it –that include; schools, NGOs and even government. Secondly, the first step in mental health intervention, child must be relocated from the pathologic area.
For such children, there no more chance of ever relating to parents positively, and with evidence that it is a gone case. It would mean helping a child develop new lifestyle, as soon as possible that helps him or her to recover from the long history of family trauma, to gain self-esteem, and ultimately, facilitate him or her to get surrounded by nice people –who show care and love.
On whether children go to boarding schools or not, it is a matter of time. A boarding school for the developing child would be most suited at puberty. This is at that time that the biological clock indicates need for independence and developing of social relations.
But, before that, there must be informal sessions for the child at home to make him or her realize the changes going on in his or her body and those they are about to face. This could be, then, accompanied by imparting of skills to help child (or children) successfully move about the puberty challenges.
Children, for example, would need to learn and practice value-based skills, like decision-making, assertive skills, negotiation skills, goal setting, effective communication, and life planning skills. In addition, knowledge of adolescent changes, and contraceptive use could follow suit. These could act as reference points in the face of any developmental challenge.
The changing times require parents to mix well different roles. For example; having to attend to work and be at home -to instill morals and values in children, and monitor those “who qualify” to be in boarding school. Child-care, being a hectic role could be a joint venture between parents and schools. At one stage, society could come in.
It is, by doing so, that the parent would be able to track development progress of the child and gain confidence upon having knowledge of how children are fairing. Any parent, who never works with schools in child development, is nothing, but a stranger to his own child.
Interestingly, the lazy parent puts all the trust in the kid, expecting him to report what transpired at school -while sometimes claiming to be busy. But this would be the best moment for the children attain the highest pick of freedom to experiment even the “no fly zones” -like; misappropriation of school fees, report card forging and abandoning or dropping out of school without notice of the parent.
From such parental ill behaviors, wouldn’t we be nurturing potential corrupt government officials for the future? From the above scenarios, surely, occurrence of many other bad consequences of any kind would not be a surprise. The question would, then, be: what role, as a parent, did you play?
Jacob Waiswa
Situation Health Analyst
+256774336277
waiswajacobo@yahoo.co.uk
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